New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
