so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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