he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
