he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
