You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
