he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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