I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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