Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize