I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize