I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I supernannyed him into submission
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
