The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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