Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
