How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Randomize
