the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I wish you could order shots online.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize