first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
