the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
