two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
