rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
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