oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
