I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
