I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
