dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
