i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
