just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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