a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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