we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
