You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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