I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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