I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
