Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
