So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
