And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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