You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
