Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
