just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
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