and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize