I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
