At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
