How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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