So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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