if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
