hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
