Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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