worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Congratulations! We have a period
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