just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
