dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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