Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
