Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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