1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
