Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
