Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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