Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
