why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
