You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
