Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
