She's JV to your varsity
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
