Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
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