I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
