U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
whose parrot is this?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
