I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
