I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
