I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize