I saw his package. It spoke to me.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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