i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
